Fifty shades of Alice – “A bit extreme for humorous erotica”

Who does not love a sexy, fetishy fairytale with a sex-positive moral to the story? Well, if you do, you should definitely read the Fifty Shades of Alice Trilogy. And seriously, what story is more ready to be turned into an erotic novel than Alice in Wonderland? In the Disney version, I thought Alice was kind of annoying. In the Lewis Caroll books, she was naïve. In these books, she is neither. And the best part is: she is over 18, because, as the author states in the novels themselves, Amazon wouldn’t allow an under-aged sexual heroine. Yes, in the novels themselves. “Melinda Duchamp,” also known as mister J.A. Konrath, has a tendency to break the “fourth wall” and directly address the readers in these very short novels. But you know what three short novels make? A long afternoon of good fun!

Fifty Shades of Alice in Wonderland

After a nice picknick in the park, her boyfriend Lewis (yes, Carroll), climbs on top of Alice (who is more annoyed about it than anything else) and finishes in less than thirty seconds. He gives her a present, in the form of a Rabbit vibrator, and, as always after sex, falls asleep. Now, the nice and sweet 18 year old Alice has never had an orgasm in her life. But people have been telling her that they are wonderful. So what else can she do but to try out her new present? Annoyingly though, her vibrator hops off and she follows it, you guessed right, down a rabbit hole. Unsurprising for an erotic parody, everyone in Wonderland appears to be hypersexual. And they are hell-bent on teaching Alice that she has to learn about her own body and desires.

Of course, the whole thing about never having had an orgasm is quickly resolved. But Alice also learns that she quite likes being tied up, does not object to a good spanking, and enjoys being fucked in the ass. Which are all important lessons to learn when you have reached the mature age of 18. For people without much experience with more adventurous sex, this book can be quite educational. For people into hard BDSM it is kind of tame. But the sex is steamy and the writing style funny, which makes up for a lot.

The highlights

Like this description of something Alice encountered:

Love dolls ranging from cheap inflatable bachelor party gifts to full-sized models that looked more real than many of the people Alice went to college with.

Also, the book involves rainbow parties; strippers; a voyeur with tips on avoiding chaving when masturbating a lot; edging; many comments about how boots make a bottom look divine; and descriptions of at least ten differently shaped cocks. The narrative stays pretty close to the original, so if you are familiar with it you have a lot of reworkings of the familiar characters to look forward to. In the end, we learn it was all just a sexual fantasy Alice had while taking her new rabbit for a ride in the park.

And not just any fantasy, but one with the power to save her relationship and sex life with Lewis. As Alice states: “Do I wait forever for Lewis to figure out how my body works? Or do I figure it out for myself?”

Fifty Shades of Alice Through the Looking Glass

So, it is a few months later and everything is going well. Until Alice walks into the bathroom and finds the man she was sure she was going to marry dressed in her underwear. So of course, she tells him that since he is gay, she will have to break up with him. A week later, she is about to dress for a party when she brings out her vibrator and puts on a show in front of a mirror. Just being a normal 18-year-old I guess. Then she tips over, falls into the mirror and ends up in “Through the Looking Glass”-land. This novel too stays pretty close to the original story when it comes to the characters Alice encounters.

In this world, however, the evil thing about the Red Queen is that she made a law saying everyone can only have sex in missionary position. The only way the Red Queen can be defeated is if someone else becomes queen and changes the laws. Of course, as it is Alice’s fantasy, she is the perfect candidate to be queen. But first, she needs to learn to have an open mind. Luckily, the land is full of people with fetishes, ranging from orgasm denial and bondage to foot fetishism and… cross-dressing. Because surprisingly, this is yet another fantasy with the power to save her relationship. So the moral of this story is, to quote Humpty:

I’m going to write KEEP AN OPEN MIND on a club and beat you over the head with it, like we’ve been doing to the readers.

More Highlights

Again, this novel can be quite educational for the uninitiated (always wanted to learn about the benefits of pierced nipples and sex organs? read this book), but the writing style and unexpected turns simply make this an easy and fun read. Also, there’s more girl-on-girl action, though not a whole lot of BDSM. But the overload of fetishes still puts it squarely in the realm of Kink I’d say. Oh, as do the orgy’s. And voyeurism and exhibitionism. I guess there’s something for everyone.

Fifty Shades of Alice at the Hellfire Club

As there is no original third Alice book, the author decided to include all the highlights of literature in the English language in this book. After five years of marriage, Lewis has fallen back into his old pattern of thirty seconds of sex before falling asleep. So, out comes the now familiar rabbit. Alice is thoroughly enjoying herself, when two pirates break into the bedroom and kidnap both her and the still sleeping Lewis. They are taken to the Hellfire Club, which they signed a contract with a week earlier, which is basically a huge sex club designed by Madame Bovary to save married couples from a lifetime of bad sex. Also, some of the most famous, and dead, authors in the English language visit this club.

Though with the appearance of people like Shakespeare you would expect this book to be about necrophilia, it takes a different turn. To teach Lewis to control his orgasm and Alice to be more responsive, Madame Bovary invents a nice game. The contract states that they will be released as soon as Alice has 100 orgasms. The catch is that every time Lewis climaxes, Alice has to start counting anew. Luckily, the Hellfire Club has some wonderful rooms. And some great volunteers.

As the four musketeers woo her; Cleopatra bathes her (with Marc Anthony watching); and Jane Eyre dresses her (but not too much); they bring Alice to climax about 250 times. I guess Lewis is a slow student.

But they are really put to the test when Alice needs only 20 more orgasms and the Marquis de Sade takes charge of their “torture.” I told you he is one of the classics!

In conclusion

If you are a fan of irony, dislike poetry and want to be hit in the head with a club that has “keep an open mind” written on it, you should definitely read this trilogy. Take a couple of hours, order yourself a rabbit if necessary, and before you know it the day has gone. And if these short novels are too short, you can always move on to Melinda Duchamp’s “Fifty Shades of Jezebel” series.

Have fun!

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